PLEASE READ THIS SUMMARY CAREFULLY, THEN
ASK YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT PANEXA AND HOW TO PROVIDE YOU WITH LARGE QUANTITIES.
THIS ADVERTISEMENT DOES NOT TAKE THE PLACE OF ADVICE FROM YOUR DOCTOR;
RATHER, IT PROVIDES YOU WITH NEW INFORMATION ABOUT NEW DRUGS YOU COULD
BE USING.
PANEXA is a prescription drug that should only be taken by patients experiencing
one of the following disorders: metabolism, binocular vision, digestion
(solid and liquid), circulation, menstruation, cognition, osculation,
extremes of emotion. For patients with coronary heart condition (CHC)
or two separate feet (2SF), the dosage of PANEXA should be doubled to
ensure that twice the number of pills are being consumed. PANEXA can also
be utilized to decrease the risk of death caused by not taking PANEXA,
being beaten to death by oscelots, or death relating from complications
arising from seeing too much of the color lavender. Epileptic patients
should take care to ensure tight, careful grips on containers of PANEXA,
in order to secure their contents in the event of a seizure, caused by
PANEXA or otherwise.
WHEN PANEXA SHOULD NOT BE USED
There are no known medical circumstances (based on extensive internal
testing) in which PANEXA cannot be used. However, PANEXA is not quite
as aggressively recommended in the following circumstances:
- PANEXA should not be used as a physical
aid to set a broken bone, as in the case of a splint;
- PANEXA should not be used as a substitute
for real human relationships; the tablets (and gel-coated caplets) are
incapable of displaying any real emotion, and would prove to be dissatisfying
friends or mates;
- PANEXA should not be used to soak up
spills or remove stains. This is disrespectful to PANEXA;
- PANEXA should not be resold with the
intent of generating a personal profit;
- PANEXA should not be used a form of
motive transport, as it lacks the government regulated (US DOT 1445/88-4557)
safety lights and reflectors;
- Women with uteruses should consider
avoiding PANEXAor moving to a state or province where the concentration
of PANEXA is lesser;
- Do not taunt PANEXA.
WARNINGS
Muscle: In a small number of tested cases (84%) PANEXAwas found to cause
abdominal wall muscle breakdown coupled with spasmodic activity in lower
back/spinal muscles, resulting in most patients violently bending forward
like a book slamming shut. While some other drugs promote similar responses
(gemifbrozil, fresh cherries, nicitonic acid, cyclosporine, mustard gas,
and acetomenaphin) PANEXA's reactions are over 48X as powerful and take
place with a great deal more panache and flash. Also, PANEXA can contribute
to developing inhumanly powerful tongue muscles, capable of licking through
steel. Lymphatic System: If, after taking PANEXA for a period of four to
six weeks, you still have any functioning lymph nodes remaining, double
the dosage every two (3) weeks until they are all gone.
IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR WOMEN
Pregnant women, or women who plan to become pregnant, should avoid taking
PANEXAor handling broken tablets. Or intact tablets. Women considering some
day becoming pregnant, who have ever been pregnant, who have had a pregnant
friend or pet, or who have seen other pregnant women, naked or otherwise,
should also follow these precautions:Do not handle PANEXA tablets, containers,
or related literature. If a PANEXA product nears your field of vision, avert
your eyes. Try not to say the word "PANEXA." If you do happen to pronounce
the syllables, spit thrice and soak your hands in iodine. If you hear the
words spoken, live or via recorded medium, cover your ears and immediately
see a specialist to try and staunch the bleeding. Try not to think too hard
about PANEXA. In fact, don't ever even think about it at all. Pretend you
never heard of PANEXA, and never will. Drop this magazine immediately, and
get the hell out of here as fast as you fucking can. Go on, get out of here.
You'll thank me.
If you should be aware of a pregnant woman who has handled PANEXA, attempt
to warn the peoples of earth of the mind-numbing horror that is about to
unfold. Also, drink plenty of liquids.
IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR SQUIRRELS
PANEXA has been known in a few cases (0.0087%) to cause Excessively Floppy
Tail Syndrome (EFTS). If you are a squirrel, and suspect you may be suffering
from EFTS, immediately call the Hotline at 1-800-867-5309.
Pediatric use: Expired PANEXA
may be disposed of by feeding to children in a bowl with milk.
SIDE EFFECTS
Most patients (2%) tolerate treatment with PANEXA well, especially when
compared with prisoners of war of comparable size and weight. However, like
all drugs, PANEXA can produce some notable side effects, all of which are
probably really, really terrific and nothing that anyone should be concerned
about, let alone notify any medical regulatory commission about. Most side
effects of PANEXA, or their sufferers, are usually short-lived, and are
rarely so fatal that the remains can no longer be identified, provided good
dental records are available. Some known side effects are:
Respiratory system: Shortness
of breath, longness of breath, kinetic balloon-like lung expansion, really
geeky laughs
Digestive system: explosive
diaherrea, upset stomach; bitter, withdrawn stomach, prehensile colon, achy
butt; shiny, valuable feces composed of aluminum and studded with diamonds
and sapphire
Eyes/senses: everything you
think you see becomes a Tootsie Roll to you, night vision, taste hallucinations
(where everything tastes 'gamey' or 'oakey'), inability to distinguish the
colors 'taupe' and 'putty'; sudden enjoyment of really bad music, like Kenny
G or some crap; thinking everything is so damn funny all the time
Muscular/Skeletal: PANEXAcan
cause a real live skeleton to be walking around inside you, buttock muscles
to mirror the actions of the jaw muscles, magnetization of the ribcage,
and musical spine disorder (MSD) Skin: Might turn blue, wither, and fall
off. Or just get really thick and spongy (muppet-like)
Other: Loss of sexual desire
and/or desirability; rising of the lights, the vapors, the willies; susceptibility
to wedgies, no rhythm, dresses for shit, and can't hold a job to save your
life; blue sweats; symptoms that look like scurvy, but louder; and the compulsion
to address everyone nearby as "Cap'n."
PANEXA is a registered trademark
of MERD Pharmeceutical Group.
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